The problem with KOFAS shutting down is that now I have nothing to empty my mind so I can fall asleep. Even with the carpal tunnel, increasing the strain in my wrists as I held the minimally dim screen upright, it only took 2 matches in AW mode before my eyes started to droop. Now without the game, they blink in shock, awake, the pounding in my chest getting louder, as I try to convince myself everything is ok, everything is under control, and work is going to be fine and the bills are going to be paid. Nothing is or was my fault. I don’t deserve this. My chest continues to tighten even as I am still high from completing FF7 Rebirth’s Queen’s Blood and as I roll over onto my left side, and rest the right arm upon the other, my wrists starts to ache again. Shouldn’t be swiping, let alone typing. But, here we are.
KOFAS was likely responsible for the growth on my thumb joint, but hey, it went away, so surely the burning in my left palm will subside too. The addiction to social media was getting better after leaving X, but was returning with the new account on Bluesky.
It does make me wonder about Goenitz, I’ve noticed Madkof using him as anchor, while the flash of his ex jump-ins impressed, the mixups didn’t pay off. This rabbit stood firm in the headlights. Perhaps I shouldn’t drive a different play style after all. Perhaps it wasn’t worth spending time to employ sneaky attacks, better just to tackle them head on.
So here I am, one leg rubbing against the other as I can’t find a comfortable position, one eye open, hoping that this writing exercise could distract my brain into oblivion. It does not. It’s only reminding me that while I’m away from my work, my creative brain goes back into overdrive, wanting to make videos and sketches and plays and tutorials. But as soon as I return to the desk, I have to worry about students’ progress. Which reminds me, what would you do if there a monster chasing you through a maze? I started Silent Hill the short message, and while the annoying teenagers were so authentic, it drove my partner up the wall, I didn’t mind it. I wanted to see what Ito-sensei had created. As the cherry blossom monster approached, I imagine doing a baseball slide between its legs, only to slide 5 cm and shred the material of my trouser leg, the monster looking down in confusion, before bringing down both arms with a roar, to tear into me with ease, much like how a bully would just sit on you, laugh and start pounding.
The game did make me panic, even as I tried to rationalise it as a game design, look at the maze, think about where the monster is, it’s just walking around, you just need to manoeuvre around it to the exit. The concept was easy to understand, the struggle to get through, was not. And as the protagonist whined about life and not being validated, the themes of bullying and suicide seemed so cliché, and yet so readily acceptable as a truth.
It wasn’t so scary, but it was great. It reminded me of older Silent Hills, but not so much to give me the real goosebumps. Then again, I’m older now. The plot twists about who was the real monster won’t surprise me. The fog wasn’t hiding anything from me.
It did remind me of the horrors of growing up at school and being one of many annoying teenagers. It made me wonder how we would all behave at a reunion. I feel it’s different when you’re 20 it 30, after 40, you either have too much to protect or nothing to lose; I feel like the latter means someone would get punched. The former would probably present as “all water under the bridge”, as they grinned teeth. Now that was disturbing.
And so I roll onto my right side, and wonder why I can’t sleep, as I flail around through the moments and pressures of my life, searching for a way out.