Instagram decided to test presenting me with a video of a pianist who prepared the wrong piece for the rehearsal. The result was a descent into rage as I felt older, arguably wiser, more cynical about the motives and background of any event, and, justified to criticise just about everything, including the playing of an instrument which of course stems from my own frustration about my own performance in using a simple controller. This is what old people do, this is why they act the way they do.
As I listened to the piece I was amazed at the ability of the pianist to remember the notes but then as I listened to the full piece I became annoyed at what I imagined Mozart had to go through. A fifteen minute piece, why? Was he not able to tell the story in five? How many repetitions did he require to get the melody into people’s heads? Or was he under pressure to produce something to make a seat worth buying so he had to stretch the same stanza a billion times with a bridge and crescendo or whatever they call it. Smh. Perhaps it is from today’s perspective, but I’m like, get on with it mate, we get it. Then I noticed that in this full length video the pianist was simultaneously the conductor. I was outraged. There is no way in my humble opinion (the famous disclaimer from a peon who knows jack) that such a person can lay waste to the keys of a frenetic Mozart and guide the orchestra at the same time, just fuck off. It’s bullshit, and you must give the orchestra way more credit than they are awarded, not that the pianist is a twat, far from it, they are amazingly talented to blitz through those ivory keys like a nutjob on medication but no, it’s not fair at all, the instrument player is waiting for the guidance of the director to assuage them that they are on time while they shit themselves among the mass of other. And then I think to myself, I’m so old, I’ve listened to enough music to think, to judge, wtf is this, it’s off time, I would beat that fucker to death for fucking up my piece, and there’s some fucking idiot in the audience coughing or some member of the orchestra turning a page too loudly or some shit, jfc I would lose my shit. Rolling the keys is no joke and getting notes to play perfectly as I WOULD LIKE THEM is probably beyond the average joe. Way beyond. Haw haw, great show, they clap as I draw the knife and sharpen it on my block, glaring at the cellist. Mozart would probably be rolling in his grave hearing the shit pumped out while people ooh’d and ahh’d at the asian star players come to join the show. What? I heard a jumble of shit, is this supposed to be good? Or was it her boobs in the shimmering cleavage for a bunch of old rich people who really should hear better? What a fucking joke. In the second half of Concerto for piano and Orchestra (d-minor) K.466, Uchida was certainly more evoking. Experience of life simply makes you relate to the tumult of the melody. But that’s the thing, what was Mozart trying to relay, or was he trying to provoke? Or was he simply taking a shit on the stage? If there is no reaction, as every CC knows, it’s a fail. It didn’t remind me of any particular life experience. But Mozart had written so many (I’m guessing) that it was just a mess in the end, and he would suffer as any artist in front of the baying crowd: – hey let’s go watch some Mozart! –Uhh okay, kinda heard it before… can he bring something new? … Back to the piece, it sounds kinda desperate, like that 50’s housewife celebrating a sparkling clean house. Jfc. I doubt that’s what Mozart was trying to paint but he can’t control that. On the other hand, he could have been completely egotistical. Imagine some asshole yapping away and paying twenty people to back him up precisely on at a moment with a bunch of violins. Seriously wtf.
I open my eyes and look back to the video and see the pianist making some face as the orchestra is meant to know how to follow. Pure theatre, and useless. I click on another video to compare the rendition by a different performer and can hear the difference in timing, much like how some players press the buttons milliseconds apart to do the same combos, some effective, but others so fluent in execution and simply awe inspiring. Why did it take so long for me to realise all of this? The difference between a plastic electric piano and the remnants on an elephant. The sound, jfc. The milliseconds in the gaps between the keys. Omg. Ok, fine, go ahead, I’ve posted all the videos below, so tell me I’m an ass cloth, and then which performance is better. Or you can just be a nice person and appreciate both.
I don’t know what Mozart intended but I feel I know what sounds more “natural”, what sounds like it wasn’t played under a ton of pressure or fuelled by a fetish to please an audience who didn’t know what they were applauding for, coming more for the bragging rights. Or maybe they did recognise the skill, as they sat in the more affordable seats, up in the rafters. Who am I to judge? Well I can, and if you listen enough, so can you.
Update: woke up in the morning and regretted writing all of this but hey ho, tidied it up a little bit and then I should add that YouTube decided to start serving me classical music videos, and to no surprise the first thumbnail is from behind a pianist looking up her bare legs leading to a skirt so short we might as well be staring at her arse. Ah well. How else can you entice people to listen to 250 year old music? Sad fact is that it’s brilliant, all of it.