Transformers review

Margoyle · Post by **Margoyle** » Sun Jul 08, 2007 18:02

I thought you all might enjoy this.

WARNING: I swear like a sailor in this. Proceed with caution.

Oh, Transformers. Why must you do this to me?
I loved those damned things. I owned several and spent hours trying to turn them into robots (Yeah... hours. I wasn't a bright kid). There was a boy in first grade who owned Optimus Prime, and not only was I horribly jealous, he wouldn't even let me touch it. I watched the cartoons on TV, even the not-nearly-as-awesome GoBots spinoff.
This is the love I felt. The love was real.

Thanks, Hasbro, for not only spitting on my childhood, but for also making me realize how horrid of a person I really am for making my mother buy me things from your company when I was 7.

To be fair, there is one element I really did enjoy: The robots. The CG was nice (a rare occurence in any movie) and was pretty smooth, surprisingly. Their actual transformation animations were awesome and an interesting spin to the classic "giant chunks of robot parts rotating" of the 80s. I was actually able to recognize the different characters, even if they'd been altered to suit a millenial taste (goodbye tape deck, hello CD player). Optimus Prime was nice and stuff. It was good.

If the movie was just focused on robots beating the crap out of each other, it would have been acceptable. But no... no. What they do instead is make a steaming pile of turds that was almost not worth the price I paid for admission, which was nothing. I didn't pay a penny, and it still sucked ass.

First off, they have to add some stupid human element to it. Who ever watched the old Transformers stuff and gave a crap about that? Why can't we just accept the fact the Transformers empire was built on the concept that robots fuck shit up?
But what makes it much, much worse is that they clearly add these human elements in order to add volumes of retarded sexual tension that I guess would have been deemed too awkward for robots to be doing. Because apparently, the only way to sell a movie nowadays is to put a 13 year old in a pushup bra, a load of makeup, and a halter top with a come-fuck-me skirt. Oh, and it has to be marketted to teenagers, even though teenagers would be too young to even know where the robotic concepts came from. Yes, while you're at it, why don't you shit on my face for loving you all those years ago. I mean, what the hell, Hasbro?
My favorite pet peeve that always seems to creep up in these kinds of movies is how these people are in a big, robotic battle and are all messed up-looking in the end, except for the pretty girl WHO HAS PERFECT HAIR AND PERFECT MAKEUP, NO MATTER WHAT. DID YOU KNOW PHEREMONES KEEP EYESHADOW IN PLACE?

But this is not all, dear reader! Not only must we be subjected to pimply-faced urges to merge, but since Hasbro is such a big patriot (apparently), they felt they just had to add this entire element of "AMERICA, FUCK YEAH." I know I'm probably looking way too deep into a movie that has already proven to me its target audience is New Jersey, but I'm sorry, no. There are things I can't let slide.
This movie was clearly a huge, huge nod to the US Military, which wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing on its own. However, aren't these robots from the sky supposed to be an international problem? Meaning, where the hell is the rest of the world? Why aren't they sending in their troops and missiles or whatever? I guess the world can't do what AMERICA DOES.

And the product-placement. As if I didn't get enough ads during the pre-show's pre-show. When the hell did they start doing that, anyway? I remember the days when there would just be some silent ads flashing on the screen before the previews, and it was actually possible to hold a conversation with the person next to you. Now they just bombard you with shit the second you walk in, crank that volume up to 11 so you're forced to be convinced about needing a Coke. Why the hell are we paying 10 dollars a pop? I thought the classic ratio was money > ads.
Some companies seriously must have dished out some money to have their 5 seconds of movie time. Kids hanging around a Burger King, doing some E-Bay shopping, purchasing a beat-up Camaro. My absolute favorite was the close-up of the Panasonic card. I shit you not, they did some massive camera-freezing on the damned thing just to make sure the the world knows that it was, indeed, a Panasonic.

This sad excuse for awesome could have been an hour shorter. I was actually dying to leave on multiple occasions.
But you know what else?
Bumblebee "lubricates" some guy.
By far, the last straw.

If anyone really wants to see what the Transformers are all about, may I suggest the Transformers animated movie that came out in the 80s. It will hopefully be reprinted on DVD.

Kancho Assassin · Post by **Kancho Assassin** » Sun Jul 08, 2007 21:19

Gee from a movie from Michael Bay, cinemas' Antichirist, you think he wouldn't fail delivering on stuff blowing up.

Kyosuke Kagami · Post by **Kyosuke Kagami** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 02:57

... I won't be able to see it until the 20th of july

Gojira · Post by **Gojira** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 06:53

Since I stopped giving a shit about Transformers 20 years ago (didn't save a single one of them), I was never interested in this movie. But now that people have such strong opinions about it I have to see it. Goddamn.

Vice Vecta · Post by **Vice Vecta** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 07:14

I'm curious about that CD player Soundwave... pictures anyone?

Post by **Gunsmith** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 07:59

I had a bad feeling when i saw the scorponok toy, which doesn't really transform....

Fanboy: So we'd like to make a transformer movie
Producer: Giant robots that turn into cars? Sounds great! So who do you think can play the main lead? Tom Cruise?
Fanboy: er...
Producer: And what about a love interest? I know someone who can get Beyonce...
Fanboy: It's about robots, the fight between good and evil over earth!
Producer: Violence, guns, explosions, tits, sex and the US of A! I can see it now... $$$ at the box office for sure!

here are the toys
http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/tran ... efault.php

r3v3n4nT · Post by **r3v3n4nT** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 13:12

Margoyle wrote: If anyone really wants to see what the Transformers are all about, may I suggest the Transformers animated movie that came out in the 80s. It will hopefully be reprinted on DVD.

Well, there was the Transformers The Movie 20th Anniversary Edition DVDs that was released last year, bought mine, bloody awsum. YOU GOT THE TOUCH!

oh well, stupid rl movie, almost got convinced into watching it, now im not so sure anymore.

PenPen · Post by **PenPen** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 13:17

I think I'll be the kind where I'll watch the movie myself and think about how it was later on. I guess not bringing a brain to theaters would help.

It's not coming out here in HK until July 26th though.

Anti-K' · Post by **Anti-K'** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 18:27

I thought it was a stupid idea when I first heard about. And I was right.

I'm not watching it. I don't care if it has the name Transformers.

Margoyle · Post by **Margoyle** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 02:17

r3v3n4nT wrote:
Margoyle wrote: If anyone really wants to see what the Transformers are all about, may I suggest the Transformers animated movie that came out in the 80s. It will hopefully be reprinted on DVD.
Well, there was the Transformers The Movie 20th Anniversary Edition DVDs that was released last year, bought mine, bloody awsum. YOU GOT THE TOUCH!

This is true. However, it sold rather quickly and is hard to get a hold of now. I'm one of the poor bastards who didn't get it the first time around.

KoFFreaK · Post by **KoFFreaK** » Sun Jul 15, 2007 09:51

Margoyle wrote:
If the movie was just focused on robots beating the crap out of each other, it would have been acceptable. But no... no. What they do instead is make a steaming pile of turds that was almost not worth the price I paid for admission, which was nothing. I didn't pay a penny, and it still sucked ass.

You see, theres your problem. For you to make it possible to "enjoy" this movie, it has to go through a raping process... aka adding humans, for it to get a production budget. If the idea of the movie was just about robots, it would never go through, it needs to target the general audience for it to get back the money thats going in. This way, you sacrifice a little by watching the horrible human race and you get to see the badass robots kicking ass(which theres plenty btw).

Sure, its Bay, but I have to say he was the right pick for this film. Its sucks that many of you here arent gonna watch it because of what the first post is saying, when really, its not that bad of a film. I know, theres some cheesy ass parts, but that doesnt outweigh the action.

Anti-K' wrote: I thought it was a stupid idea when I first heard about. And I was right.

I'm not watching it.

How did you come to that conclusion without even seing it?

Anti-K' · Post by **Anti-K'** » Mon Jul 16, 2007 19:30

My friend made me see it. I'm glad I didn't have to pay for it. That movie was shit.

Wolfie · Post by **Wolfie** » Tue Jul 17, 2007 01:43

No one mentioned Megan Fox? Shes a foxy babe!

Post by **Gunsmith** » Tue Jul 17, 2007 08:27

dude you need to update your avatar, we're in 2007!

and yeah, transformers was all about GIRLS!!!!

Margoyle · Post by **Margoyle** » Wed Jul 18, 2007 23:47

Wolfie wrote:No one mentioned Megan Fox? Shes a foxy babe!

I did mention her, right here:

Because apparently, the only way to sell a movie nowadays is to put a 13 year old in a pushup bra, a load of makeup, and a halter top with a come-fuck-me skirt.

Gun: Yes, you're right. It's like why don't they just not even admit women into the movie? I'm just so tired of liking "guy stuff" when it's pretty clear these companies don't want my feminine money.

"Guy stuff" like video games, for example!
http://media.arstechnica.com/reviews/ga ... edia/2.jpg

:: orochinagi

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